How to Get Over Someone

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Table of Contents

Introduction.

In our hyper-connected society, breaking up with a romantic partner is harder than ever. This can make it difficult to move on. Many of us, myself included, have wondered how to get over someone in this hyper-connected world.

If breakups weren’t hard enough to begin with, our modern culture makes them infinitely more difficult. Our brains are story-making machines; one trigger can activate unconscious neurological pathways and have us reliving a past moment or fantasizing about what could have been.

But ‘what could have been’ isn’t reality. If it was, you wouldn’t have broken up. Instead of living in the past, we must step into the present after a breakup.

Use these tips in this guide to survive a breakup in our hyperconnected, attention-seeking society, and empower yourself to get back on your feet while becoming more self-aware and grounded in your sense of self.

The Confusing Web of Social Media

We begin with the elephant in the breakup room: social media. Most of us have followed our past partners on Facebook or Instagram, to have shared photos, hearted photos, and shared stories with them and the world. But to know how to get over someone starts here.

After a breakup we wonder if we should unfollow him / here on social media? Do I keep them as a friend? Ignore their posts? Do I interact with their posts as if nothing happened? Humans have never had to deal with this phenomenon before… and it’s confusing. After a breakup we are supposed to move on, but his is the first time in human history where we get bombarded with photos and stories of ex-partners. It is murky water to navigate.

Every time we see a post or a little reminder of an ex, we can’t help but project ourselves out of the present moment into a fantasy (good or bad) about this person.

In my experience, it’s best to take a hiatus from social media altogether post breakup.  

As yourself this question: Why do you need social media at that moment?

Is it to distract yourself from what you’re feeling? To get attention from others? To get attention from your ex? Or, to try and find another partner in hopes of instantly bypassing your pain?

Instead of wasting hours (daily) in this social web of confusion, go on a social media fast. Take a 30-day break and do the things that nourish you and make you feel alive with all the time you gain.

For me, there is nothing more nourishing than connecting to nature, exhausting my body with physical activity, connecting with good friends, and reading a book that I love. These activities are especially important during a break-up. Additionally, I like to reflect on who I was before I ever met this person, the things I did just for myself, and focus on growing into the best version of myself.

Things that Bring You Down

If you want to know how to get over someone, there are some key activities that you must focus on.

Music — Most of us listen to music, and have shared a special song or two with a partner, whether in the car, at home, or during intimate moments. Songs can carry distinct memories of certain places and times.

Following a break-up, immediately stop listening to ‘your songs’ and avoid listening to depressing break-up songs.

Most modern music is about love, but they are not describing real love. Artists sing about lost love, clingy love, and needy love. These songs will only deepen your pain, reinforce your story, and lead to more misery.

Seek out new music, upbeat music, and music with positive or no lyrics. Listen to the music that sets the tone for the mood that you want to be in.

Movies — Much like music, certain movie genres come with stereotypical messages attached to them. These messages can trigger our hurt, longing, or pain.

Personally, I’m a fan of romantic comedies. But when going through a breakup, these films do nothing but make me more miserable. Why would I subject myself to the typical funny guy, who works hard to win the girl, and then lives happily ever after?

This isn’t reality. Life doesn’t work this way. Instead of watching movies, get out of the house, get together with friends for dinner, see a comedy or improv show, go to a theme park. Find something that lights you up, that makes you laugh, that brings real joy to your life instead of projecting yourself into a false film or television reality.

Don’t Make the Break-Up the Focal Point of Your Life

We all need support during and post breakup. Hopefully you have a few close friends or family members that you can openly and honestly share yourself with, receiving the support you need. Community is one of the most important when figuring out how to get over someone.

If you don’t have these people in your life, find a support group, coach, or counselor to share yourself with. Talking to trusted advisors has been crucial in my process of getting over a past partners.

But, what’s hasn’t been helpful was talking about my breakup with everyone I see.

If we make our break-ups the focal point of conversations, we not only sound like a broken record but it holds us back from getting over our ex. It’s like getting a deep cut and every time a scab starts to form immediately picking it off… that shit ain’t never gonna heal.

Again, talk to trusted friend, family member, or advisor about what you’re going through, but don’t ruminate on the breakup or your past partner. They are now a part of your past — leave them there.

Move forward with your life, ask your friends how they are doing and how you can support them. The best way to get what I need is by giving exactly that to someone else… givers gain.

I don’t know how this works but it does.

Get the Stories Out of Your Head

Our brains are story-making machines. We obsess and don’t naturally know how to get over someone, and it’s easy to get caught up in delusional stories about our break-ups or past partners. We can make up meaning about the most trivial events and weave a story that supports our narrative.

But these stories aren’t real. They’re fabrications of our imagination and don’t help us get over a past partner. But how do we shut off the noise in our head?

Take out a journal or notebook and transfer them from your head to paper — write down all those stories and leave them there to die.

And if you’re feeling hurt, wronged, or angry write a letter to your ex (that you’ll never send) expressing your pain, anger, frustration. The more we can give these parts of ourselves a voice, the better we’ll feel.

If you repress these feelings it will lead to some future issues or outburst. Repression isn’t how to get over someone. So, find a healthy way to get the emotions and stories out, whether journaling, writing angry letters, or beating your bed with a tennis racquet. Just get it out.

Get the Stories Out of Your Head

Our brains are story-making machines. We obsess and don’t naturally know how to get over someone, and it’s easy to get caught up in delusional stories about our break-ups or past partners. We can make up meaning about the most trivial events and weave a story that supports our narrative.

But these stories aren’t real. They’re fabrications of our imagination and don’t help us get over a past partner. But how do we shut off the noise in our head?

Take out a journal or notebook and transfer them from your head to paper — write down all those stories and leave them there to die.

And if you’re feeling hurt, wronged, or angry write a letter to your ex (that you’ll never send) expressing your pain, anger, frustration. The more we can give these parts of ourselves a voice, the better we’ll feel.

If you repress these feelings it will lead to some future issues or outburst. Repression isn’t how to get over someone. So, find a healthy way to get the emotions and stories out, whether journaling, writing angry letters, or beating your bed with a tennis racquet. Just get it out.

20 Things To Remember About Getting Over Someone.

1. Yes, you will love/date/have sex again. It seems damn-near impossible at the moment, but someone will come along who you will feel attracted to again. And they’ll feel that way about you, too.

2. Lean on your friends, but not forever. The pain of a break up heals when it heals, and you can’t rush that. You get about a solid month of non-stop attention-seeking behavior for your friends, but then you have to start to scale back. They should be there for you with the support, the ice cream, and the voo-doo dolls as much as possible at the beginning, but if it starts to dominate every single conversation you have for weeks on end, that’s not super fair to them either. If you feel like you need more communication than your friends can offer post-break up, it might be a great time to look into therapy. However:

3. There is no time limit in which you “have to” be over someone. Everyone has that one obnoxious friend with an ice heart who insists that you must be over them in approximately half the time that you dated them. People insist on these arbitrary deadlines for the #feels because having someone take a big dump on your heart seems endless, and it’s easier to deal with it if an end is in sight. But really, if you try to force it to end too early, it’ll just be worse. Let your sadness breathe and go away in its own time.

4. Also, that’s not wallowing. It’s healthy. Anyone who calls that “wallowing” has forgotten what breaking up with someone is like.

5. It’s totally fine to hate your ex for a minute. But try not to hold onto that anger forever. Denying how you feel in the moment is pointless — if they cheated or hurt you, it’s going to elicit an emotional response. Don’t pretend you’re not fantasizing about switching their shampoo with Nair if you are. Just try and let go of those feelings once the pain stops being so raw.

6. It is incredibly easy to lie to yourself repeatedly about being over them, but if you keep saying it to yourself over and over, you probably aren’t. Otherwise known as the “I’M SO CHILL, WE’RE JUST FRIENDS NOW, TELL ME ALL ABOUT YOUR NEW GIRLFRIEND, I’M SO CHILL, SO SHE’S AN AMERICAN APPAREL MODEL, WOW, THAT’S GREAT, I CAN’T FEEL MY HANDS” dance.

7. Sometimes you need to sever all social and social media ties with the person (at least for a while) in order to fully move on. I know that makes it look like you “care too much” or whatever, but trust me, it’s better than Facebooking him when you’re lonely.

8. Speaking of which: Keeping tabs on them, even occasionally, is highly likely to rip off your emotional scab. There he is on Instagram, holding a baby, that’s nice. Does anyone have any liquor?

9. It’s not your fault. It wasn’t that you weren’t good enough for him in any way. There is no such thing. That is false.

10. Sometimes it’s not their fault, either. The ability to zoom out of your hurt and acknowledge that a relationship ended for gray reasons, rather than black or white reasons (one of you was a dick face, the other one was a saint), is very helpful, although that might initially be even more painful to process.

11. No drunk communication — no texting, no GChatting, no nothing. Maybe you’ve memorized his number, in which case you give your phone to your friend every time you get drunk. Unfortunately, you might have to learn this the hard way, after repeatedly having stomach-churning emotionally charged conversations that you will regret in the morning.

12. Most of the time, closure is a myth. You probably won’t have that perfect closing-of-the-book moment that you see on TV. Don’t let Hollywood trick you into continuing to communicate with this person until there’s some deus ex machina that lets you Finally Be Done For Good. Make yourself be Done For Good.

13. Don’t take your wrath out on his new girlfriend, who is a complete stranger to you. It’s Mean Girl-ish and it’s bad karma. If you must have the two-second thought that her hair looks flat and her Twitter isn’t funny, fine, I know sometimes you need to. But lashing out at women who have done nothing wrong, even just obsessing about his new girlfriend with your friends, is not who you are.

14. If you spent most of your time upset, nervous, or concerned about this person while you were dating, it’s much, much better that it’s over. Louis CK has a bit that’s like, “Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce.” People should be congratulating you for getting out of an unhealthy relationship, and you should feel sort of relieved, really.

15. The horrible gut-wrenching process of getting over the first person you ever really dated and/or had a horrible on-and-off relationship with will make you #wiser. You will realize what you want and don’t want for your next relationship.

16. Your worth is not tied to another person. No matter who they are.

17. And he’s not as amazing and unforgettable as you think he is. He’s not Armie Hammer. He’s a cute-enough grad school dropout who works at Build-a-Bear and likes dubstep.

18. Sometimes you can’t stay friends, and that’s OK. I am of the personal opinion that anyone who can stay friends with their ex is either the Dalai Lama or didn’t really love them that much as a significant other to begin with. Not being able to make small talk about the paleo diet with someone whose balls you once licked does not make you a petty and immature person.

19. Turning the breakup emotions into a positive drive (e.g., working out, excelling at work, cleaning your home) rather than a negative drive (e.g., drinking too much, smoking too much, wallowing, having sex with a guy with a soul patch) is so much better in the long run. The latter is basically a self-destructive punishment/immature “I’ll Show You (By Making Bad Decisions)!” taunt at Life and will only make you feel worse.

20. It didn’t work because it wasn’t right. This is the most important lesson, because it’ll help you move on and find a partner who is right for you.

5 Ways to Move on When You Still Love Your Ex

Why we have to let go of the fantasy.

Iakov Filimonov/Shutterstock

Source: Iakov Filimonov/Shutterstock

Nothing can keep you from a happier future than a lingering relationship wound. We’ve all been there: Experiencing good love gone bad is painful. It doesn’t really matter what the circumstances were, or who was right and who was wrong. The bottom line is that it hurts and that the pain is preventing you from moving forward.

While time is the best healer, there are 5 concrete steps you can take that will facilitate the process:

1. Cut off contact. 

Do this at least for a little while. No, you do not need to be friends. Keeping an ex in your life is not by itself a sign of maturity; knowing how to take care of yourself and your emotional well-being is. Many people hang on to the idea of friendship with an ex as a way to keep the possibility of the relationship alive because the idea of completely letting go seems too overwhelming. While, depending on the circumstances, a friendship may eventually be possible, being friends can’t happen in a genuine way until you have healed through most if not all of the pain, which takes time. Being your own best friend is what is most important during a difficult break-up and that means not putting yourself in situations that don’t lead to feeling good. When you are hurting, you are vulnerable. Protecting yourself with healthy boundaries is an essential part of good self-care. Politely let your ex know you need your space and would prefer not to be in contact for the time being. (Don’t ghost them.)

If you must remain in contact because of children or other shared obligations, know that there is a distinct difference between being friendly and being friends. True friendship means two people care about each other’s well-being and have one another’s best interest at heart. By the time many relationships end, it is often in question whether both parties can genuinely provide this kind of care and support for one another. The expectation that someone who didn’t treat you well while you were together will be capable of being a true friend afterward sets you up to continue being hurt. But choosing to be friendly means you can, without expectations, acknowledge the love you shared and honor that time in your life by treating the other person with kindness and respect.

2. Let go of the fantasy.

Many people don’t realize that a large majority of the pain they experience during a break-up has nothing to do with the relationship they really had. Relationships always end for a reason. It is rarely a complete surprise because things generally haven’t been going well for a while. There is often a long list of what each person did or didn’t do that led to all the fighting and hurt feelings. Most people don’t want back the relationship they actually had. What they mourn for is the relationship they thought they could have had if things had just been different. But the truth is, that relationship didn’t exist. Letting go of a dream can be painful. When the relationship first started there were expectations set for what it could be based on the good things that seemed to be unfolding at the time. Almost all relationships are great in the beginning—otherwise they would have never started—but the whole of a relationship is what it was from beginning to end.

Because our mind is trying to heal our heart, the painful memoriesoften get shifted to the background and we find ourselves remembering and longing for the good times. We forget who the person really was and idealize who we wanted them to be. A good strategy for getting past these moments is to simply write down every painful thing you can remember happening during the relationship and read it over to yourself while making the effort to vividly recall those memories until the painful feelings subside. The point here isn’t to stay angry, but to remember the full truth of why the relationship ended. Eventually, letting go of these events will be an important part of the forgiveness and healing process, but in order to let go of something you must first acknowledge and accept that it happened.

3. Make peace with the past.

When someone treats you poorly or does something hurtful, it is a natural and healthy response to feel some anger. Anger helps you be aware of situations that are not in your best interest and can facilitate the separation process from an unhealthy relationship. But when we hold on to anger and resentment from past experiences we take them with us into the future. Nothing hurts more than when someone you love does something that causes you to reevaluate who you believed them to be. When someone betrays the trust you gave, it is painful. But letting what someone else did limit your ability to move forward means they still exert control over your life. Forgiveness isn’t about letting someone else off the hook for his or her bad behavior; it is about your emotional freedom.

Learning to forgive and make peace with things that happened in the past can happen more easily when you take your focus off of the specific events that occurred and instead try to see the perspective of the people involved. Most people don’t act with the intention of directly hurting someone else; generally, they make choices intending to make themselves feel better. For better or worse, it is in our nature as human beings to operate from our own self-beneficial perspective and the impact of our actions on others is often a secondary consideration. It doesn’t make it right, but sometimes seeing someone else’s perspective can help you understand the events that unfolded better and make them less personal. It can also be easier to forgive someone when you see them as a whole person. If you find yourself stewing in anger over something that someone else did or didn’t do, try to pull back and remember the good qualities you saw in them when you first met, and recognize that we all have flaws and we all make mistakes.

4. Know it is OK to still love them.

Love is never wrong. When someone comes into your life who allows you the opportunity to experience love, that is always a true gift. Part of maturity, however, is recognizing that love by itself isn’t always enough to make a relationship work. Many other factors and circumstances, such as timing, incompatible values, or the choices we make, play a significant role in whether a relationship can thrive. But moving on from a relationship that isn’t working isn’t always about ending the love you feel. Sometimes the only way to let go is to love someone enough to want the best for him or her even if that means not being together.

There are many forms of love, and it has the capacity to shift, evolve, and change over time. Let the romantic love you felt evolve into a different type of love that encompasses caring and compassion for a person who had an important place in your life. This will help facilitate the healing process. A good deal of the pain we feel when a relationship ends has to do with the loss we perceive. Conceptualizing it as a transition instead of a loss can ease some of the hurt. The truth is the relationships we have in life last forever. They last in our memories, in the feelings we have when we think of them, in who we have become because of them, and in the lessons we take forward from them.

5. Love yourself more.

Ultimately, moving on from a relationship that wasn’t working is about loving yourself. For some, this is the hardest part. Believing that you deserve to be in a loving relationship with someone who shares your values and treats you well requires that you view yourself in a positive light. If just the thought of this seems daunting because your inner dialogue is filled with negative self-doubt, criticism, or self-loathing, you may need to enlist the help of a professional. You can’t expect someone else to treat you better than you treat yourself.

Self-forgiveness is an important part of self-love. In hindsight, you may feel that there are things you could have done differently, but it is impossible to know what different outcomes could have been. Blaming yourself in a self-reproaching way is a futile waste of energy that only brings about negative emotions and delays the healing process. Instead, choose to turn the pain into a gain. Every relationship, if we let it, can teach us something about ourselves and give us greater clarity about what we need in order to be happy. Acknowledging your role in what went wrong with a relationship can be an important part of the learning process. When two people are in a relationship they create a dynamic and whatever happened, both contributed to it in some way. When you have the insight to understand your role, you will be in the position to do something different. If you believe that it might be helpful to make certain changes in your own behavior, such as learning to set better boundaries or improve your communication skills, then embrace your chance to do this so that your next relationship can be even more amazing.

We need relationships with others to see ourselves more clearly. Every relationship we have reflects back to us what we are putting out into the world. Know that a relationship isn’t a failure just because it ended. If you grew as a person and learned something to move your life forward, then it served a purpose and was truly a success.

How To Get Over Someone You Never Dated

Sometimes moving on from an “almost” relationship is hardest.

It could’ve been something. But now you’ll never know. And that web of “what if’s?” will haunt you.

It was almost and then it wasn’t

You had the beginnings of something in your hands, felt its texture as real as the roughness of his face in your palm, and then felt it slip through your fingertips, an amorphous shape you couldn’t hold.

He almost texted you enough. He almost reached out to you enough. He almost cared enough.

He almost liked you enough.

Maybe you would have met his friends. Maybe he would have introduced you to his parents. Or maybe he did, maybe they even liked you. Maybe it wasn’t enough. Maybe he would have called you his girlfriend and taken you out on dates. Maybe he would have made this thing real, and committed to something that looked more like “forever.”

Maybe.

What hurts the most is only having your half

It hurts knowing that you weren’t on the same page, or wondering if there was any point you were.

What hurts is investing and loving and then sitting with the embarrassment of trying; of realizing that you misread every single thing he said and did when he was around you, and then have to accept everything he didn’t do when you wanted him to.

You wanted to believe that he liked you; that he wanted you; that this could be it. You thought he felt the same thing during that first long goodbye hug; those infrequent good morning texts. You wanted it to all mean something — to him as much as it did to you.

You thought he cared about you. At least as much as you cared about him.

But your half of reality wasn’t reality.

He didn’t see your situation the same way that you saw it. He never intended to commit.

To him, you were an almost. The girl who was almost good enough.

And now all you have is a shadow of almost

And shadows are hard because there’s nothing to grasp.

How to move on

You shouldn’t feel stupid for misreading his signals.

You shouldnt feel embarrassed for thinking it could be something.

You shouldn’t feel dumb about investing your care, your attention, your time.

You definitely don’t have to feel like you made a mistake falling for him, even though he didn’t fall for you, too.

Even though your almost relationship never developed into an official relationship, those moments are valid.

You still shared something that mattered, however fleeting.

It was still real.

And you still matter regardless.

How To Use Psychology To Get Over Someone Fast (So You Can Be Yourself Again)

Want to know how to fall out of love?

Want to know how to stop loving someone?

If you want to fall out of love with someone you can’t have, there are a number of psychology tricks which you can use to your advantage . In this article, I want to share with you one such trick which involves the use of what psychologists call classical conditioning.

To begin, let’s make a comparison…

Getting over a breakup can be a lot like quitting smoking. When a person chooses to give up a habit like smoking, the initial few days is always the hardest to overcome. Fortunately it gets easier with time, patience, and practice.

One of the biggest problems with getting over a habit are the everyday circumstances and places that you associate with that habit. For instance, a smoker might strongly correlate:

  • A type of food
  • A certain time of day
  • Or a specific place etc

…with smoking, meaning when he encounters these things, having a  cigarette is the first thing that enters his mind. This naturally leads to a sense of discomfort, since smoking is no longer an option.

These types of feelings are analogous to that of someone who just went through a breakup. Lots of things right now will be causing you to remember your ex …constantly keeping your pain raw. Check out the following the video on YouTube from my program The Erase Code: How To Get Over Anyone In Less Than A Week Using Psychology. It details exactly how many different things can be in play in the pain you are feeling right now.

To Fall Out of Love, Destroy Your Associations

What we’re talking about here is called classical conditioning.

People usually make mental bonds between two experiences, associating one with the other. Certain situations or places can trigger an emotional response based on past incidents. Smokers who give up cigarettes encounter this all the time. If they’re used to having a smoke during certain breaks in their workday, they will inevitably associate those breaks with having a cigarette.

The same applies to breakups. When you relate a place with your ex (such as the local town park for example), you will find yourself thinking of them over and over again every time you pass the town park. And the problem is that the longer the relationship went on, the more of these associations (between your ex and certain things and places etc) will have been created.

How to Use Psychology to Fall Out Of Love With Them

Recognizing the symptoms of classical conditioning and learning how it works is key in finally being able to move on. Imagine your favourite movie you had as a child. Whenever you see this movie, you experience nostalgic feelings and happy memories. Now imagine watching this film over and over again for a hundred times. The pleasurable memories would diminish with each viewing, and eventually you would get sick of it.

The same can be done with past relationships. You need to rewire the existing associations you have of your ex and certain things/places etc …and place new associations in place where your ex currently is. For example, going back to our example of the town park – a good way to remove the association of your ex to the town park would be to create a new association with the town park. You could use the town park as your running track and use it to train for the local 5k or 10k in your area. Each time you go to the town park and try to beat your old record for running a 5k distance, your mind will begin to be programmed to associate the town park with running …rather than with your ex.

For each positive experience you connect to that once-painful place, the suffering declines. Your new, pleasant memories take its place and slowly you no longer make those identifications with your ex. Over time, you will begin to fall out of love as your mind sees less and less reasons to constantly think of them. It will begin to see that you are thinking less and less about them and so will interpret this to mean you have moved on.

If You Just Can’t Let Go, Here’s Why

For some people, getting over their heartbreak is much more difficult than for others. This is usually because they refuse to break their mental pattern and continue to relate everything back to the relationship that they lost. They ruminate over their ex and continue to think about and do all the things that remind them of their loved one. They don’t create those new connections that would help them be happy again. They wallow in their misery and refuse to pull themselves out of it.

Honoring and expressing your emotions is important, but you have to know the right time to let go. The more you brood over your suffering, the deeper you push it into your subconscious, making it harder to uproot when you’re finally ready to move on.

So, allow yourself to feel your pain, but move quickly to eradicate it. Resist the urge to deepen those associations that make you think of your ex, and you’ll be able to bounce back and move on much more quickly.

Everyone knows that breakups are distressing, but you shouldn’t allow yourself to get stuck in that mindset. Set your emotions free, and start making those fresh new associations as early as you can.

7 Phrases That Will Help You Get Over a Breakup

How to want to get over someone: Say these things aloud. Repeat. Heal

If you are ever going through a breakup, a rough time, or just need a pick me up, these are 7 phrases you must tell yourself on repeat:

1. “I love myself” – Cheeseball. I know. But it works, especially if you believe it.  According to Mastin Kipp of The Daily Love(link is external), self-love is important, “because ultimately we are the ones responsible for our actions, choices, and the outcome of those actions and choices. We cannot give to someone else what we don’t have, and likewise we cannot get from someone else what he or she doesn’t have.” I couldn’t agree more. If you love yourself, you will be the master of your feelings, not some idiot that broke your heart through a text message.

2. “I want to be happy” – Seriously, do you? This seems like a dumb question – of course, I want to be happy, who doesn’t? The problem is, a lot of the time, I actually don’t. I let small things frustrate me. I have an extremely short temper, and I get mad at the most trivial matters. Why? It’s because I forget (or maybe don’t want) to be happy in that moment. Maybe I want to be angry or upset, so I have to remind myself that I want to be happy, and then I will force a fake smile, until it turns into a real one. It even turns out that a fake smile is better than no smile. Researchers at the University of Kansas recently discovered(link is external) that holding your mouth in a smiling position could help lower a person’s heart rate after stressful situations.

3. “Screw him/her” – I’m not a big fan of cussing, especially since I joined the No Cussing Club(link is external) back in 2008, but bad language can actually be good for you, according to a study published in NeuroReport(link is external), which “found that swearing may serve an important function in relieving pain.” Say it, whisper it, scream it – let it all out. Not only do you end up soothing the pain, you are also telling yourself that you are not going to be a victim.

4. “I always hated his dumb hair cut” – Remember that annoying thing about him that always bothered you, but you never admitted it to yourself, because you were madly in love? Well, it’s time to spill all the dirt. Take off your love goggles and tell yourself what you really saw in him. Even if it’s something as tiny as – I hated his toe nails – embrace it. Doing so will help you realize that your ex wasn’t as fabulous or perfect as they seemed and it will help you heal faster.  In fact, a study in Cognition and Emotions(link is external) found that those who “indicated strong negative feelings about their ex in the immediate aftermath of the breakup were less likely to be depressed.”

5. “I am better off without him or her, because…” – Quick! Finish the sentence. For me, it was: I am better off without him because now I can finally eat blueberries! At the time, my ex had a terrible allergy to the fruit (which just happened to be one of my favorites). He wouldn’t kiss me or come near me if I had eaten anything blueberry flavored, so eventually, I stopped eating them too. The first thing I did after our breakup was devour a pint of blueberries. Obviously, my heart still hurt, but I let myself enjoy something that I hadn’t been able to do when we were together. And while that was something little, it kind of felt pretty good. And during a breakup, that’s the one feeling you should be constantly striving for.

wavebreakmedia/Shutterstock

Source: wavebreakmedia/Shutterstock

6. “It has been x days since we broke up, and I feel…” Here’s another fill in the blank for you. You can say whatever you like – just be truthful. If you’d rather write it down in a journal, that’s okay too. The reason I like this phrase is that it keeps you present in the current moment and lets you feel whatever it is you need to feel. Eventually, one day will turn into 30 days, and you will notice a difference. You may still be sad and heartbroken, but the degree to which you feel it will change and you will be able to recognize your progress. Life Coach Patrick Schriel writes(link is external): “I use my feelings, my intuition, as a guiding system. If something doesn’t feel right to me I won’t do it. If the feeling is right, I will.” He says feelings are often truer than thoughts or beliefs and can often lead to “real moments of insight and can be the beginning of change.”

7. “I will find someone better” – These words may be the most difficult to utter, especially if you believed that your ex was “the one” or your soul mate. Trust me, we’ve all been there. And because this phrase is so hard to say, it is, in fact, the most crucial. Let me tell you something that you may not want to hear: You will meet someone better – it is inevitable. You will meet someone else who will treat you well, be kind to you, love you, and most important of all, not break your heart.

Tips To Overcome Emotional Rejection

You can’t wish away the pain of rejection, but you can control when you feel rejected.

Here are 7 proven steps to do just that:

Be conscious of differences

Each person in this world has a different reality. In any given situation, two people can never think or react in (exactly) the same way.No one else sees the same world as you do. Hence it’s not only possible, but in fact likely, that people will behave differently from how you expect them to behave (in other words, how you would’ve behaved if you were them) in a certain situation.This expectation-reality gap often gives rise to feelings of rejection and hurt in people. The first step to avoid unwarranted feelings of rejection is to acknowledge this difference.

Force yourself to think of more than one possible outcomes

The rule of thumb that I follow to avoid surprise reactions from people in any situation is, instead of having one particular expected outcome in mind, I force myself to objectively imagine at least two possible reactions, one mandatorily less positive than the other.I also try and find a few supporting reasons why each reaction could occur.

Have reasons for each possible outcome

Let me explain with an example. Let’s say, you’re going to ask a girl out. Don’t expect that she’ll accept (in which case you’ll feel rejected if she doesn’t), but don’t expect that she’ll reject either (in which case you might be so under-confident while asking her out that she might reject you anyway! ).Tell yourself, “There are two possible outcomes of this situation. First, she could accept my offer because I’m a handsome, smart, fun guy (use whatever reasoning you want, but make sure you come up with at least 2-3 reasons).Second, she might also reject me because at the moment she might not be interested in dating at all, she could be already seeing someone else, or she might need different qualities in a potential date/boyfriend than the ones which I have.”

Be objective in your analysis

As you can see, this reasoning exercise achieves two goals. One, it forces you to visualize, objectively, both the positive and negative outcomes of any situation, thereby mentally preparing you for the negative outcome.Secondly, it also looks at the negative outcome in a way which is as objective as possible, thereby minimizing the feelings of personalization associated with the negative outcome. Notice that in this particular example, you’ve identified three possible reasons for a rejection, two of which are entirely unrelated to you or your qualities.At the same time you’re also being honest and realistic by including one possible reason which involves you.

However, even in that case you’re being highly objective by rightly pointing out that it’s not about whether you and your qualities are good enough for her or not, it’s just that she might need something different from what you’ve got to offer.

Avoid personalization of every outcome

This brings me to one of the most important aspects of handling rejection successfully, which is totally avoiding feelings of rejection where they are unwarranted and unnecessary.Again, I’m not here to tell you that you can avoid feeling hurt by feeding yourself some distorted version of reality (in other words, “positive self-talk”).I’d only like to draw your attention to the fact that often you (and I, and most eople) interpret a situation as a rejection (your exclusion from something) when it is not. I’m talking about the common human tendency of over-personalizing negative outcomes.

Going back to the earlier example, it’s important that you recognize that any rejection in general is largely unrelated to whether you are good enough for something (or someone) or not.

It only means what you’ve got to offer, and what is needed by someone (or something) are not the same. Look at it as the lid of Bottle 1 not fitting Bottle 2, simply because it’s not made for that purpose, rather than for not being “big enough”, or “small enough”.

Actively seek alternative connections

However, when it comes to relationships, unfortunately all possible sources of rejection are not so simple.Feelings of rejection can be caused by issues like your everyday expectations not being met by your partner, an incidence of infidelity or a real shocker like a sudden announcement by your partner of their desire to leave. In such cases it’s not possible for you to be prepared for the feelings of rejection.It’s real.

It hurts.

And you have to deal with it.

The healthiest and quickest way to recover is to find a sense of belonging through other connections.

According Prof. Eisenberger from UCLA, lead researcher in the domain of psychological research on rejection, positive interactions with people cause a definite mood boost in humans, by releasing chemicals which facilitate pleasurable reactions in the brain.

Actively seek out friends and family if you’re going through a phase of experiencing feelings of rejection from your partner. Try to invest yourself emotionally in these relationships.

Reduction in emotional dependence actually strengthens love

Shift your focus from your partner. Use the pain of rejection to find other reasons to live. Pick up an old and forgotten hobby, maybe. Pursue it and connect with like-minded people.In some time you’ll find you’re able to derive emotional nutrition from these connections. That will not only help you recuperate from your emotional hurt, but also prepare you for solving any issue at hand together with your partner in the near future.Am I telling you to force yourself to fall out of love with your partner? No. What I am telling you however, is to stop being emotionally needy.

Remember, loving your partner and being unable to function without their emotional support are not the same thing at all. The first is healthy, while the second is not. In fact once you’ve been able to overcome your emotional needy-ness, your relationship will improve greatly as your partner finds fresh reasons to fall back in love with the new you.

Next time you face rejection (and trust me, there will be a next time, ‘cause that’s how life is) try to apply these techniques and you’ll find you’ll be way better off in handling it – channelling it constructively even – if you can do it right.